What a total embarrassment for Test cricket we have just witnessed in Nagpur. The Australian tourists have been so poorly treated by their Indian hosts that they simply should pack up their kits and head home.

Australia arrived in India for what is regarded the toughest tour in all of Test cricket and they were greeted by a very good example of why it is considered so. Groundsmen at Nagpur were carefully working on a pitch, in order to give the Indian team the utmost advantage. Preparing a pitch to suit the home team is part of the game, but preparing different parts of the pitch in specific ways was taking it to a new level.

It wasn’t until the end of the Test, in the middle of Day 3, that the full deviousness of the plot was clear for all to see. The curator had somehow prepared a pitch that was just about unplayable wherever the Indian bowlers landed the ball. Conversely, wherever the Australian bowlers landed it, the pitch behaved almost perfectly. The proof in the pudding being that Australia could only manage scores of 177 and 91, while India amassed a comfortable 400.

The ICC needs to send a team of the world’s best groundsmen to Nagpur to get to the bottom of this ingenious and blatantly unfair pitch preparation method.

Having seen what the Indians were up to a day before the Test, the Australian brains trust went to work immediately. They thought India were preparing a track that was going to mostly trouble left handers, so they proactively responded by dropping Australia’s best left-hander, Travis Head. Peter Handscomb, a right-handed master of spin, with an average in the 20s from a previous tour of India, was brought in. To take full advantage of the under-prepared patches of pitch outside the leg stump of India’s predominantly right-handed batting line-up, leg-spinner Mitchell Swepson and left arm tweaker Ashton Agar were overlooked in order to name two right-handed off spinners. It was pure tactical genius, the likes of which we have not witnessed since David Warner had a whisper in Cameron Bancroft’s ear about a brilliant way to bring on reverse swing.

Astonishingly, debutant off-spinner Todd Murphy would claim seven wickets, while the greatest off-spinner of all time could only manage the one, after consistently finding the parts of the pitch that weren’t conducive to spin. Captain and world’s leading quick, Pat Cummins, perhaps disturbed by the clouds of carbon hanging heavily in the Indian sky, was ineffective with the ball on the doctored pitch.

Whilst India’s 400 was a clear slap in the face for Australia’s bowlers, it was the batting that was truly cringeworthy. Openers Usman Khawaja and David Warner seemed to be in a race to get back to the sheds first. Marnus Labuschagne and Steve Smith put up some resistance, before the pitch caught up with them both. Matt Renshaw’s audition for the soon-to-be-vacant opening position went perfectly, as he looked very much like one of the current openers. And Handscomb, well he contributed a total of 37 runs more than Head, who sat forlornly on the bench

It took just 32.3 overs in the second innings for the Indian bowlers to find the dodgy parts of the pitch and dismiss Australia for an awful 92 runs. India strode to a 1-0 series lead with a convincing victory by an innings and 132 runs.

In the aftermath, Ravindra Jadeja was fined 25% of his match fee and given one demerit point for applying cream to his bowling finger without permission from the umpires. It was found that he was not doing so to alter the condition of the ball, although it would be fair to assume that his creamed up bowling finger did come in contact with the ball. As thousands of social media experts will tell you – it wasn’t sandpaper – thanks again Davie Warner.

The second Test is set to start this Friday in Delhi. Clueless captain Cummins has blamed the batsmen for the first Test debacle, calling for them to have a go against the Indian spinners.

“I don’t think there were any surprises out there. We knew what we were going to expect. They bowled well, so it’s about coming up with a couple of different methods,” Cummins said after the heavy defeat.

“I think at times you’ve got to be a little bit brave and a little bit proactive to try and put the pressure back on the bowling.”

It remains to be seen what changes, if any, Australia makes to the team for the second Test. If there is any sign of life in the Delhi pitch, they might revert to having just the one spinner, which would more than likely see them drop Todd Murphy. Yes, they are clearly that clever.

The only guaranteed way to avoid another humiliation would be to pack up and come home. The tourists have been completely disrespected by the hosts, with their dodgy pitch preparation and creamed up bowling fingers, not to mention outrageous DRS calls (I didn’t mention those). It is hard enough to beat India in Australia, it looks to be impossible over there.